How to annoy somebody by Emmett Cullen
by SweeterThanKarma
Summary: Emmett's English teacher wanted a report that listed something that the student does frequently. Well, Emmett gave her that report.
1. The list

**okay i was bored i must admit that. i dont own anything.**

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your  
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips  
into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something  
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

By Emmett Cullen, Period 4 English.

**i know i know. thank you to for helping me do this. I love you guys. I don't know how i could do it without you. **


	2. The speech

**okay i was bored i must admit that. i dont own anything.**

Mrs. Grimes was oh so abashed I completed the assignment just the way she hoped. Well, Edward did help out a bit with his freaky skill. As I sat in class, I screamed so many thanks to Edward he might kill me later. I smiled a huge smile and Ben and I high fived each other. We both got A's. I mean, actually I had the worst grades in the whole family, I got C's. But that was beacause school was for pranking and goofing off. That is how it got invented I bet. I wasn't born to know though.

Mrs. Grimes rang her precious bell to get the class in order. We all looked up and class was settled. I looked up at the clock hopefully. Okay, one minute of Mrs. Grimes left. Then I am free from her grasp for today and able to make that nude colony in the bathrooms. Mrs. Grimes rapped her ruler on my desk. I looked up. "Anyway, one speech of where you see yourself in five or twenty years. Last piece of homeowrk ontil fall break, make me proud children!" The bell rang and I was faster than anybody to get out of there.

I went straight to the bathroom and pulled the sign out of my backpack and when nobody was looking, I tapped nails in. _NUDE COLONY- NO SHIRTS, NO SHOES, YOU ARE WELCOME!_ The first group of kids saw it were girls. I opened the door, they went straight in. Then boys. I grinned and opened the door to Rosalie, who was strutting past. "Uh, No Em! You will get expelled this time. And I am not getting detention." Rosalie got the best grades. Eddie was too focused on pretty little Bella to care about school anymore and Jasper concentrated on not biting somebody's head off. And Alice, well, she got B's. That is okay, right?

I left the nude colony to party and went to study hall. If I fail, Rose would be pissy. For the whole day I sat in the study hall, nothing coming to me. Then I got an idea.

_In five years I see myself making out with the hottest girl ever and being rich. I will be in Africa, training bull elephants how to eat peanuts correctly. Then I will go to Italy and visit my cousin Aro and my other cousin Jane. They are so nice and supportive of my dreams. I also want to be on the cover of Playboy. I think that might be a real honor. I want to own an island off the coast of Porta Rica and raise spider minkeys there-_

I crumpled up the paper. No, no, no! I threw the paper at some dork and started to draw a crazy guy on fire. Then I got a better idea. I will make a Mad Lib! I scribbled on the paper and written down everything that might help. I went up to Edward's class. His head popped up, I heard the whooshing. _Alright Bro,_ I thought, _Do this for me_. I told him the order and he repeated it under his breath. I written down what he said in the blanks and skipped to Alice's classroom. She already knew and whispered her answers under her breath. Jasper, in that class too, did the same. I didn't bug Rose. She would be mad.

I sprinted around the hall and into the study hall. I sat down before the teacher noticed and read my report.

_In five years I expect to see myself in a moo-moo prison and eating elephant poop. I will be married to Bella and actually love banana cream cakes. When I leave Porta Rica I will venture off with my wife, Mrs. Grimes, into the future. Then I will become Harry Potter and banish Jasper Cullen. When Alice Cullen breaks the unbreakable vow thingy with her stinky tuna salad sandwich I will send her to Darth Vader to learn her lesson. Then _ _I will train Piderman _**(a/n inside joke why there isn't an s) **_on my resort island._

_Emmett Cullen_

_Period 4 English_

**okay i know these are short chapter. **


	3. The list: Bellavised

**I finally, finally finished it! I had to dig through every joke website on Earth to get this far, but I love you guys! I don't own the Twilight series!**

**EmmettPOV**

I kicked the boulder, making it fly forty feet into a young maple, slicing it in half. Rosalie was at my heels. "Do what your teacher said!" She shrieked. She hasn't forgave me for putting Bells as my wife. And neither has Edward. But Bella though of it hilarious and embarrassing, so Edward slightly was okay with it.

Now I had to do a report on why women were better than men, because my last report wasn't "good enough". I grimaced and punched a fist-sized whole into another tree, ignoring my mate as she kept on yelling at me. Suddenly I had an insparation and ran for my life back to the house. A list. I was good at lists, right? That one about doing annoying things was good, it was accepted. I would do a list on why women were better than men, on a women's perspective. "Bella!" I roared, thundering through the house.

The little human was just getting into the door, with Edward by her side. I grabbed her and pulled little Bella into a tight hug. "Em...can't...breathe!" She gasped. I set her down easily. "What's the occasion?" She asked.

"I need your help!" I grabbed her and dashed into my room, slamming the door.

An hour later, it was finished. Bella helped me, telling me the great advantages of being a female. I typed every word she said, ignoring Edward's ear pressed against the door. Bella made sure that it was acceptable.

_Why it's better to be a Woman!_

_1. We got off the Titanic first._

_2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers._

_3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours._

_4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers._

_5. We can cry and get off speeding fines._

_6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game._

_7. Taxis stop for us._

_8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance._

_9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing._

_10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point)._

_11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay._

_12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay._

_13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life._

_14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower._

_15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves._

_16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know._

_17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt._

_18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it._

_19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there._

_20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute._

_21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in._

_22. We have the ability to dress ourselves._

_23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked._

_24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot._

_25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth._

_26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems._

_27. We'll never regret piercing our ears._

_28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes._

_29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark._

_30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions._

I stared at the finished masterpiece, staring at it in wonder. Some almost offended me, but then I knew they were right. "And your teacher couldn't argue with this, because you are complementing her," Bella told me as Edward walked in and scooped her into his arms. "Bye Em!" She giggled, now being consumed by Edward's soft kisses.

"You know you could have asked me!" Rosalie trilled, sitting next to me in our bed.

"But you would have given me millions! Bella was to be expected, giving me as much as I needed. Anyway, I might have been a bit distracted..." I wiggled my eyebrows at her.

"Agreed."

_Love you guys! Bye!_


	4. Emmett visits Jane

**I think Emmett should take a break on work for a bit and focus on the Volturi...I mean, they are a serious matter... *laughs evilly***

I stretched, getting my limbs ready to face the Volturi. Alec opened the wide wooden doors, suddenly puzzled. "Emmett?" He asked, dumbfounded. "Aro! Emmett Cullen is here again!"

Aro's head popped around the corner, staring at my face while I smiled and waved. "Alice sends her regards," I said to him. "Well, her exact words were, 'Go to Hell!' but I don't think that is appropriate for family." I gaveAro my best smile. "I have been thinking...can I test-run what it's like to be in the Volturi for a day? I mean, I have this project about ancient civilizations and it's not like my teacher will think I was serious about vampires...she thinks I am delusional already."

Jane wiggled through the door, peering up at me. "Last time we saw you, you burned down half of the castle and stole my teddy bear I had for eight and a half centuries," She accused. "I will approve of you coming if you give me back my Teddy."

I sighed and took out the faded, rainbow teddy bear behind my back and handed it to the midget...Jane shrieked, grabbing her teddy bear and hugging it to her chest while she giggled happily. Finally, she threw her arms around me. "Emmett! You got him a new bow!" she screamed. "And you fixed the colors and the seams!" Alec pried her off of me.

I stepped back, smiling. That wasn't Teddy, I hoped she would know that sooner or later. Her real Teddy was chewed up by a savage bear on a hunting trip with Alice. Rosalie just got everything remade on it, just enough so the scent stayed like it was. Alec smiled at me, thanking me with his looked like he was about to pass out in relief, if that were possible. I smiled at them. "Alec, Jane, go get Emmett a robe he can borrow. Make it just as dark as yours," he ordered, walking to sit down at his throne. Jane started singing her teddy bear song while Alec and I followed her.

Jane disappeared into a room, while Alec and I waited outside. "She has been torturing all of us since your last visit!" Alec told me, relief flooding into his voice. "If you didn't bring it back she was going to kill us all."

Two hours later, I was running for my life. Demetri didn't follow, of course, because he was running in circles, on fire. Jane was screaming her head off, tearing down the castle. All I did was drop her Teddy into a fire, and just like that, she tried to kill the Volturi. Alec was right beside me, yelling. "I am going to join your coven!" He planned, tearing off the robe he had worn today. "Eat animals, and be good!"

I nodded, staring at the side expanse in front of us. "Is Jane going to be okay?" I asked, looking back at the city on fire. "Why does she care so much about the teddy bear?"

"That teddy bear was her teddy bear since she was turned! Our parents gave it to her!" Alec explained. I gasped when he was tackled by his little sister. I stopped a hundred yards away, my hand reaching for him. "Go!" He yelled. "Go on without me!" Suddenly Jane fell to her side, her eyes glassy. "I will tend to my sister. She'll beokay in a thousand years."

"What are you going to do?" I asked. I couldn't let him kill Jane. Jane was just so adorable and deadly.

"Well, I am still going to transfer to your coven, with Jane of course. I am going to use my power on her until she gets her emotions out."

I nodded. "But you can't stay. Edward would kill you both."

"I know. Just until Jane can calm, then I am going become a vegetarian nomad, maybe." Alec slung Jane over his shoulder. "I'll meet you in a few years, though. Right now I need to look for survivors."

**I know it is short, but I am busy!**


	5. The apology letter

**This is to make up for the long, long time that I haven't posted anything GOOD.**

**-SweeterThanKarma, ThatJaneDoe.**

"Write the letter!" Esme screamed in my ear, slamming me down onto the kitchen table. She was pissed when I got home, informing her of what happened with the Volturi. Alec called a few days later, telling me that he wasn't coming because he had to rebuild the city. So now I had to write a letter to little Jane, the scary monster that tried to kill me.

"Fine!" I roared back as Alice handed me a sharp pencil. Bella was sitting across from me, intent on helping me deliver a good letter. Or she just thought me writing or thinking was amusing. "Okay, so how do I start this?" I asked as I looked down at the sheet of paper below me.

"You apologize, and say how much you regret it," Edward answered as he scooped up the meal on legs. "Then you go on about how you are such a moron. Come on Bella, the movie is starting." They left me in the dining room, alone.

_Dear Jane,_ I wrote at the top of the age. I shrugged and smirked evilly as I wrote the rest. The only sounds came from my pencil flying across the sheet of paper and the horror movie in the next room, and Bella, Rose, and Alice's terrified whimpers.

_I am terribly sorry I threw your teddy bear into the fire, burning it into little ash. But did you really need it, Jane? Did you really need to see that teddy bear, laying lifeless on your bed that you don't even sleep in, every day of your life? You didn't have it for years when I stole it, my scary friend, and you went on just fine without it. Jane, there are things in this world that are more important than some fluff and a ribbon. Like love, for instance. I am in love with Rosalie, and Jasper is in love with Alice. Even Edward, that oaf, is in love with a girl that never even had a boyfriend until him. Another example: Alec. You and him are relatives, twins. I think you should care if Alec falls in love, or dies, or is in a horrible boating accident that somehow costed him his dear life. Would you care, Jane? Would you?_

_Again, terribly sorry, blah, blah, blah._

_Love, Emmett. Your new teddy bear! _

I shoved the letter into the envelope and licked it shut, my poison sealing it shut forever. I jumped when Bella screamed, and Rosalie started to cry in choked sobs like Esme did when I brake something she loved. I slammed a stamp on the envelope and stuffed it in with the bills that needed to be mailed out. If I say so myself, I did pretty good.

**I know. You guys loved this chapter. I wanted Emmett to have to write an apology letter to poor Jane! New story coming up-- Alec finds love! Yay! Love you guys! ^^**


	6. How to get rid of boredom in class

**Hey you guys I copy and pasted this from something I found on the internet, so it isn't min,e nor the Twilight series. Just warning you, there are Grammar, spelling, and tons of other mistakes in this, and I was too lazy to fix them. Also, there numbers dissapear for a while, but they come back...the vanish.... Love, SweeterThanKarma.**

**EmmettPOV**

I sat on the counter, watching Rosalie. She was acting strange in the last few days. Suddenly she turned to me, and her breath caught. "What is it?" I asked her, kicking my legs back and forth like a little kid.

"I was just really bored in class today, and I couldn't think of anything to do," Rose replied. "I never really dealt with boredom, but now that it is facing me, I feel strange."

"YOUR BIG CUDDLY BEAR IS ON THE WAY!" I roared, jumping of the counter. Rose could have turned paler. "I AM THE KIND OF MASTERING BOREDOM AT its HIGHEST!"

Two hours later, it was done. 289 things to do when bored in class.

_**289 things to do when bored in class**_

Talk in improper English like ain't, and when the teacher corrects, nod like you understand and continue to speak improperly.

2. Randomly get out of your seat and sit on the floor.

3. When it is very quiet, raise your hand and insist it is too loud.

4. If the person next to you is quiet, turn and inform them that they are distracting you.

5. When the teacher calls on you to answer the question, answer `Two '

6. Randomly raise your hand and say "The answer is three"

your teacher a note that uses improper English and misspelled words. Have the note insisting that you are `the most bentest' in the class and demand to be moved up.

8. During a test, tell the teachers `the voices' are making you cheat9. Color red dots all over your arm and show the teacher, and tell her/him that you are allergic to School.

10. Talk about the road kill squirrel you saw on your way to school. Say that it is your dinner. Talk in a redneck voice.

11. Take out sock puppets and play with them, and occasionally have them grab your classmate's hair. When the teacher looks, keep the sock on your hand and point to your classmate and tell the teacher that the classmate is attacking you with puppets

12. If your teacher walks around the room during the test, cover your test and glare at them suspiciously.

13. If your teacher walks around the room during a test, raise your hand and tell the teacher that they are cheating off you.

14. When the teacher calls on you to answer a question, talk in a creepy voice and say `I'll never tell' and a few questions later raise your hand and ask why you haven't been allowed to answer a question yet. 1

5. Ask to go to the bathroom. Stay in your seat, and when asked if you are going, say `I just did'

16. Raise your hand and point to a person on the other side of the room. Insist that that person is cheating off you.

17. Say that someone across the room is using their telepathic (mind-reading) abilities to cheat off of you.

18. Ask to go to the bathroom. Get up and walk into the wall. Furrow your brow, glare at the wall and walk into it again. Smile sheepishly and then walk out the door.

19. When coming back from bathroom, walk through the door. Then ask how you got there.

20. Raise your hand and ask if you can be excused to skip class.

21. Meow and bark occasionally.

22. Hold your head and groan, then tell your teacher that your multiple personalities are fighting.

23. Walk into class and look around confused. Ask where you are, then say "Oh, this is school I thought this was McDonalds

24. Read a book, and when class starts, raise your hand and say that they are interrupting your reading

25. Stumble into class, slur your words and tell your teacher `I swear to drunk I'm not God '

26. Bring handcuffs into class and wear a plastic fake police badge. Tell your teacher that he/she is under arrest.

27. Walk into class with handcuffs on your wrist and say "Sorry for being late, I just broke out of prison." (even if you aren't late)

28. Meow to answer a question

29. Raise your hand and introduce everyone to your imaginary friend Bob. Then loudly whisper to Bob saying that you hate this class.

30. Chew gum in class. If teacher says `I hope you brought enough for everybody' take out packs of gum and start passing out gum.

31. Smack gum loudly. When told to throw it out, take out the gum and hold in on your finger. Then insist you don't have any gum, and put it back in your mouth.

32. Stand up and introduce yourself at the beginning of class (even though everyone knows you). Inform everyone that you have had `the problem' for three years now. Then act confused and ask if the class is Alcoholics Anonymous.

33. Shove your heaviest book off your desk. Repeat. Glare at someone else every time the teacher looks.

34. Cry out randomly that everyone is against you.

35. Tell your teacher there is a disturbance the Force

36. Make a cone shape out of paper and glue red tissue paper to the top. Scribble/draw red and orange all over it. Wear it on your head and tell everyone that you're a volcano.

37. Tell your teacher you don't need to do your homework because you're skipping school tomorrow.

38. Tell your teacher that you're going to be sick tomorrow.

39. In anything but foreign language class (if you have one), speak in a foreign language.

40. Write `Gullible' on a piece of paper. Tape that piece of paper to the floor, ceiling, or chalkboard. Then tell everyone there is gullible written on the ___(floor ceiling or chalkboard). If they don't believe you point, then say `Made you look '

41. Randomly laugh hysterically

42. Yell out STOP DROP AND ROLL

43. Tell your teacher to get ready to evacuate the school, for you are going to pull a fire alarm

44. Write `objects in mirror are dumber than they appear' on a small people if they need to borrow your mirror.

45. Do the above, except on the bathroom mirrors.

46. Wear tissues on your head

47. Come into class with sunglasses, and pretend to shoot at your teacher with your fingers. Then loudly whisper `Sorry, I had to get rid of the alien scum'

48. Pass around a petition against petitions

49. Raise your hand, act terrified and cry, saying `You didn't have to be so mean '

50. If someone speaks over the intercom, curl up in fetal position under your desk and say `It's the voices again.'

51. Hum `If your happy and you know it' loudly then randomly start to cry

52. Try to get your class to sing "We don't need no education"

53. Randomly get up and run a lap around the room, then sit down and act as if nothing had happened.

54. Get up and get a tissue, then just stand and stare at the tissue. If asked what you are doing by the teacher, claim that you are having a staring contest with the tissue and you're sure you are about to win.

55. Pretend to slap a fly and then go `mmmm snack time'

56. Lead your class in a sing-a-long.

57. Poke the person sitting next to you repeatedly until they get angry, then blame it on your imaginary friend.

58. Go into class, and then run to the window. Sadly proclaim that your imaginary friend just committed suicide.

59. Invent an imaginary hamster. Ask everyone if they would like to hold him.

60. In a creepy voice say to everyone `You will die in seven days' Act like nothing had happened.

61. (If in a school that requires uniforms) Loudly talk about how one person's uniform is `so two minutes ago' (even though you are wearing the same thing) (If in a school with no uniforms) Put on a weird shirt and loudly whisper about everyone's bad fashion sense.

62. Raise your hand and wave it around like you know the answer. Then ask the teacher why they called on you.

63. Raise your hand and wave it eagerly like you know the answer. Do this for every question. When called on, answer every question `Abraham Lincoln.'

64. Make up a language and when no one understands it act like they are crazy.

65. Laugh hysterically and proclaim `You shall all perish Perish I say ' Act like nothing had happened.

66. Try to hold a swordfight with rulers.

67. Ask to go to the bathroom. Get up, run into the wall and pretend to faint. Lay there until someone runs over to help you up, then walk out the door to go to the bathroom.

68. Purposely drop your pen. Ask someone to pick it up, and when they do defensively say `That's mine '

69. Read with your textbook upside-down.

70. Bring in a pillow and explain "The desk is too hard for sleeping."

71. Bring in a pillow and lie in the aisle and pretend to go to sleep.

72. Walk down the aisle and pretend someone tripped you. Glare at that person for the rest of class.

73. Get up to sharpen your pencil or find a tissue, then stand up there and look around. Then cry out `I'm lost '

74. Create a map of the classroom. Use the map whenever you need to find your seat or a tissue or the pencil sharpener.

75. Carefully place the tissue box in a certain spot at the beginning of class. In class, scream or gasp and run over to the tissue box, acting like it was moved. Carefully fix it.

76. Repeat.

77. Ask if you can teach the class.

78. Draw caricatures of your teacher. Sign the paper with a classmate's name/initials. Leave the pictures on the classmate's desk.

79. Act jittery all class, shaking and twitching. Recoil whenever someone passes or tries to touch you.

80. Knit.

81. Start a poker game. Try to get your teacher to join.

82. Wear Mardi Gras beads and a party hat, and throw confetti into the air when school lets out.

83. Talk about your dream job as a janitor.

84. Bring a bottle to school. Drink out of it all day. Cry if it gets confiscated.

85. Act like you're in the army, saluting to teachers and calling them ma'am and sir. March everywhere.

86. Poke someone.

87. Twice.

88. Bring crutches to school.

89. Ask your teachers if they find sick pleasure in tormenting you.

90. If a teacher isn't already in the classroom, when they enter, inform them that they are late and should report to the principal.

91. Put raisins over your teeth and grin widely at everyone you meet.

92. When you get homework, stand up, outraged, and yell that you're going to sue.

93. Convince someone to pretend to be your lawyer. Bring them to school the following day.

94. Dress up as the Phantom of the Opera or Dracula or other cape wearing people. Swish your cape.

95. A lot.

96. Whenever the bell rings or an ambulance/police car passes, yell about the pigs coming to get you, and run out of the classroom.

97. Like, say `like,' like, a lot…like

98. Speak with an accent, love.

99. Do the chicken dance.

100. If any of these get you in trouble, grumble loudly about how you hate Sharpies. how many times the professor uses ?uh,? ?umm,? or ?like? during an entire lecture.

hold your breath for as long as you can without passing yourself. Record your time. Repeat.

do aerobic exercises in your head so that by the end of the day, you can think to yourself how ?athletic? you were today.

write a play about an angry lobster, a happy penguin, and an evil genius.

your ears and try to see if you can lip-read what the professor is saying.

look at all the dots in the ceiling and try to find your favorite cartoon character.

wrestle/play thumb war with yourself and accuse your right arm/left thumb of cheating.

make up with a list of all the words you can make out of the letters in ?smorgasbord.?

say a word silently to yourself (e.g. ?broccoli?) so many times that it loses meaning. Then try to remember what it meant in the first place.

draw a flipbook at the bottom right corner of your notebook.

keep your eyes open without blinking for as long as you can.

re-enact or make up your very own 50-minute silent movie.

look out the window and try to find cool-looking clouds that look like they came straight out of a Disney animated movie.

start knitting yourself a scarf for the cold winter ahead.

play cat's cradle with the cute boy or girl sitting next to you. Who knows, you might get lucky and score a screen name.

make paper cranes so you'll have a hefty collection by the end of the semester.

change seats in a clandestine manner every time the professor turns to face the blackboard. Count how many times you can do this without getting caught.

look at someone until they turn around. Then keep staring and give them a maniacal smile. Be sure your eyes are open real wide to enhance the effect.

try not to fall asleep.

120.. Pretend you're a tree.

121. Try to develop psychic powers, then use 'em.

122. Inflate a beachball and throw it around the room. 1

23. Sing Show Tunes. 1

24. Make loud animal noises then deny doing it.

125. Think of new pick lines. See if they work.

126. Pretend you're flying a jet fighter in the Gulf War.

127. Churn some butter.

128. Conceive a brand new language.

129. Walls made of brick. Count 'em.

140. Plot revenge against someone. 1

41. Think of nicknames for everyone you know.

142. See how long you can hold your breath

. 143. Take your pants off and give them to the professor.

14. Chew on your arm until someone notices.

145. Change seats every three minutes.

146. Think of ways to cheat at Trivial Pursuit.

147. Shave.

148. Run across the room, tag someone and say You're it.

149. Announce to the class that you are God and that you're angry.

150. Think of five new ways to use your shoes.

151. Start a wave.

152. Walk around the room begging for spare change.

153. Roast marshmellows.

154. Practice phrasing your answers in the form of a question.

155. Crawl around the room humming the music from Mission Impossible.

156. Take apart your desk.

157. Pretend to communicate with your home planet.

158. Play rock-paper-scissors with yourself. Accuse your left hand of cheating.

159. Do a quick tapdance routine.

160. Try bird-watching. Point at somebody and say, "I see a DODO!" And then to the professor, "And I see a cuckoo!"

161. Walk up the aisle yelling, Popcorn Hot popcorn here .

162. Throw your backpack at someone.

163. Run to the window, then say, Sorry, I thought I saw the Bat-signal .

164. Ask the person in front of you to marry you.

165. Start laughing really hard and say, Oh, now I get it. .

166. Make a sundial.

167. Give yourself a new identity.

168. Write a screenplay about a diabetic Swedish girl who can't swim.

169. Dig an escape tunnel.

170. Announce your candidacy for President.

make a paper football and get someone to play with you. When they put their hands up into a little goal, flick the football at the teacher and immediatly go back to doing your work.

Out of nowhere, or when it is quiet, say loud enough for the class to hear When I say heeee-aay, you say hoooo, Heeee-aay and see how many people yell it with you.

say another quiet time, shout out Marco and then in a squeeky voice shout out Polo.

Practice your ty-chi. Wave your arms all around like your really know what you are . Humm as loud as you can and when your teacher says something about it, act all offended. Do you have a problem with my religion, sir ?

one of your friends is drinking something, in the middle of a drink start chanting chug chug chug.

when the class is very quiet, say in a casual voice "I'm going to eat you, little girl.

the class is quiet, sigh and say This class is really boring

Shoot rubber bands at someone, when they accuse you look confused and point to the person to the left of you.

After that, point to the person on the right of you and esay, "I can't hold it in any more! You have RABIES!

... you are black start singing country music, if you are white start rapping.

as many paperballs as you can and set them on your desk in a giant pile. If anyone looks at you, look tough and nod at them.

you are a male, start singing Brittany Spears's Hit me baby one more time complete with raise the roof action.

everything out of your backpack and stack it on your desk. Take out a sheet of paper and take invintory of your stuff.

an empty gum wrapper and put it in your palm, then signal someone by going pssssst. Hey Make them lean all close to you and get them thinking you have something interesting to say. Look around and then give them the gumwrapper.

how many tiny paper balls you can set on the person in front of you without them knowing it.

183 Tie someones shoe's together and kick them.

184 put a kick me sign on the teacher. As a challenge, see how many people you can put a kick me sign on without them knowing it.

185 interrupt class by singing Can you feel the love tonight from the Lion King.

186 fall asleep. When you wake up say shit like I had a dream and you were in it. And you You too ...

187 yell out chinese waiter talk. SHICKEN FRIE RIE, SEVEN DOLLA

188. Insist that your e mail address is: xena_warrior_

189 time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

190 ask your colleagues to join you in a little synchronised chair dancing.

191 Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

192. Finish all your sentences with In accordance with the prophecy.

193 use as often as possible, skip rather than walk.

199 e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example, If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in Stall 3.

197Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.

198Tell your children over dinner. Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.

199UsE RAnDoM cAPiTaliZaTiON iN EvEryTHiNg YOu wrITe

.200Follow delivery men around in pure James Bond style, but make it very obvious.

201Persistently call your teachers 'sweetcheeks' and wink at them in front of everyone.

202Whenever you answer the phone, do so in a french accent, and slowly change it to a japanese accent.

203Have races in the corridors with chairs that don't have wheels on them

204Hold open automatic doors for people.

205Threaten to jump out of a ground floor window.

206Deliberately get colleagues names wrong.

207Wear socks on the outside of your shoes.

208End all sentences with . .

209Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

210In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up .

211 Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, Sorry, I really prefer it this way .

212 read the dictionary backwards and look for any hidden messages.

213Stare at people though the tines of a fork and pretened they're in jail.

214When someone says Have a nice day , tell them you have other plans .

215 Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters CHECK YOUR FLY .216 Address the professor as your excellency .

217 Shout WOW after every sentence of the lecture

.218 Ask whether you have to come to class.

219 Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write Signup Sheet at the top, and start passing it around the room.

220 Stand to ask questions. Bow deeply before taking your seat after the professor answers.

221 Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, Can you spell that?

222 Disassemble your pen. Accidentally propel pieces across the room while playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces. Repeat

223 In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes in ghosts.

224 Bring a small cactus to class with you. Raise your hand, and when you're called on, say that the cactus has a question. Turn and look at the cactus, as if you're waiting for it to say something. After a few moments, shrug, and wait for your professor to move on. Do this once a day, and become increasingly irritated with the cactus every time, sighing heavily and giving it evil looks when it fails to "speak." When you leave the room after class, start yelling at the cactus, "I can't believe you embarrassed me AGAIN...."

225 Bring a vacuum to class. Halfway through class, stand up and start using it. If your professor objects, explain that you "can't stand sitting in this pigsty any longer." Keep vacuuming, grumbling angrily.

226 Brush your teeth during class. While doing so, raise your hand as if you have a question, and mumble your question incoherently while brushing, spewing toothpaste all over the place. If your professor objects to your actions, go on a tirade about proper oral hygiene.

227 Carve a bust of your professor out of cheese. Tie a ribbon around it, and present it to him/her at the beginning of class. Demand extra credit.

228 Come to class every day wearing scary Halloween masks. Try to get your professor to guess who you are. Shoot him/her with a water pistol, scream, and run around the room knocking things over. Say, "Pretty scary, huh?"

229 Come to class with a jar full of angry hornets. Five minutes into class, release the hornets, scream, and run away.

230 Dispute everything your professor says, no matter how simple. Try to get him/her to "prove" everything to you. Rant and rave about what a big liar your professor is. Yell at students who are taking notes, saying, "Stop writing down all these lies!"

231 Draw hearts and flowers on the backs of your papers and tests. Next to them, write things like, "You're the best, even though you suck" and "You're the worst professor in the world, but I still love you."

232 Get the whole class to show up a few minutes early, and throw a surprise party for your professor. Insist that you can't start class until he/she has a piece of cake. Keep asking people when the strippers are going to arrive.

233 Hide somewhere inside the classroom. Wait for your professor to take attendance. Don't come out when he/she calls your name. Halfway through class, jump out and yell, "Just kidding! I'm here! Fooled you again!" Sit down and be quiet for the rest of class.

234 Instead of taking notes, do an abstract painting during every class. Call the paintings things like, "Professor Acting Like Mr. Know-It-All" or "Idiot Who Doesn't Know What The Hell He's Talking About." Give the paintings to your professor as gifts.

285 Sit all the way in the back, as for as the professor as you can, and in the middle of class , scream, "I can't hear you! You're mumbling!" If your professor advises you to sit closer to the front, tell him/her you can't because you're scouting the room for "assassins."

236 Start asking questions in a fake foreign language. Act like your professor is stupid for not being able to understand you. Get other people in the class to start speaking the fake language too, and have frequent discussions during class. Act like you're really interested in what you're discussing. If your professor tries to interrupt or stop you, act annoyed and motion for him/her to quiet down.

237 Start asking questions in a fake foreign language. Act like your professor is stupid for not being able to understand you. Get other people in the class to start speaking the fake language too, and have frequent discussions during class. Act like you're really interested in what you're discussing. If your professor tries to interrupt or stop you, act annoyed and motion for him/her to quiet down.

238 Wait for your professor to mention a date, and then yell out, "Bingo!" Apologize, and explain that you got confused.

239 Wrap yourself in bandages and come to class in a wheelchair. Throughout class, cry a lot and moan things like, "Why me?" and "Please kill me!" Get up during class, like your going to miraculously start walking. Instead, fall down, cry out in pain, and wait for someone to help you back up. When class is over say, "I feel better now," leap up, and run home.

240 organize a bunch of people in one class to emit a low humming noise, keeping straight faces.241 organize a whole bunch of people to fall off their chairs at the same time.

242 organize a whole bunch of people to drop their pencils/pens at a preset time.

243 superglue quarters to the floor, count how many people try to pick them up.

244 write fake love notes and slip them into people's lockers

245 if someone near you falls asleep in class, tie their shoelaces to the desk/chair.

246 lay a paper towel roll on the floor at the top of the steps and give it a kick, making sure you've taped the loose end to the floor already.

247 place chalk inside the erasers so the teachers end up putting big 'ol lines across the blackboard.

248 when you use the bathroom, get a LOT of soap on your hands (If it's the slimy kind), but don't wash it off, just leave goo all over doorknobs, railings, etc.

249 screaming gibberish in crowded hallways is always good for a laugh.

250 leave a Snickers bar in the toilet.

251 ask people to hold your hand when going down the stairs

252 Type every word in a different font. Alternate really big fonts with really small fonts.

253 Bring candles and inceNEW!!!!!!!!!!!!

254 In a test open up your bag look inside and say "got enough air in there?"

255 Run around the school suspiciously with your hands in a gun shape while humming the misson impossible tune

256 look at the person next to you for a while then say "your one of them!" then run out the class room

257 when the class is quiet look around and aks some one if their cell phone just rang

258 drop your pencil on the floor if some one trys to pick it up for you Scream "hey thats mine!"

259 stand in front of the class and pretend you are a flight attendent and review the emergency procedures and exitsEVEN newer!!!!!!!!!!!!

260 call everyone bob261 name your pen Mr pen talk to him often, cry and go mad if Mr pen commits suicide (falls off the table)

262 Have a funeral for Mr pen

263 Pick one word any word .e.g. TIMMY use this word and only this word when replying to a question264 reapeat yourself constantly

265 be insane and be proud of it266 reapeat yourself constantly267 Put a sign on your desk that says "Out of my mind be back soon" Then go to sleep. If your teacher wakes you up Scream CAN'T YOU READ THE SIGN? then go back to sleep.278 reapeat yourself constantly (annoying aint it!)279 (When you are taking a true false test) Whenever the answer is false stand up, grab your hair with both hands, and scream LIES ALL LIES, sit acting like nothing happend and repeat.280 Start having fights with yourself out loud over which one of your personalitys is better. Start to cry and say "I love you both why can't we all just get along" And if you are realy insane have your personalitys hug and make up. Then have all of your personalitys gather round to sing kumbya my lord! (I suggest you do this when it is really quiet in the room it scares more people) out someone's hair and yell, "DNA!!!" an english class raise your hand and say the sentence : sorry, i dont speak english! or, "Sorry i dont speak (Blank)" if you have a foreign language where u put the name of the language in the blank. bingo have everyone in the class write down 6 words and when the teacher says one of your words, you cross it offwhen all your words have gone, stand up and shout BINGO!!! then sit down and carry on asked a questions, answer god, then to explain your answer, say because god is the answer to everything * works better at a Christian school* u come bak to da class hit the door as hard as you can. Then say somethin like :"ma bad" or "wasnt me" or "ITS DA DOORS FAULT~!!!"

286. When your teacher isnt looking squeeze an empty plastic bottle of water and open the cover very fast so the cap flies off.(IT SOUNDS LIKE AN EXPLOSION)

287. Randomly run out of the class shouting "the germans are coming,the germans are coming".

288. Start speaking ghetto really loud, but say the things in a way that you sound like you know what you're talking about, when you really aren't making any sense what-so-ever. Like stAnd up and say "mah swagga b all lyke trippin n shizz dawg!"

289. Eviscerate the person next to you with a meat hook and pretend like nothing happened. Lol.

290: (FOR LUCK!) Run around your Class Room to the Benny Hill song.

**I know how long it is, but please spare the comments about the length. Was it funny?**


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